Tangent #1
Justice is so...
Splintered bone.
Dented skull
Blood pools at feet
Live by the sword
Perverse...
Salivating creature
Thirst for flesh
Eyes water and glare
No face in fury
Life is so...
Filtered through perfected percept as gutter water anoints the chosen
You are unholy and banished from yonder
no peace until flesh burns into ash so double up on well wishes...
wishes only shown as ridicule from the dead
Ridiculous...
Sometimes I wonder exactly what was meant when head exploded from dark orifice
The brightness so ugly. The faces so disgusting
I see you through smiles as you curse my becoming.
I ask why the me when there could have been them.
Born into little that riddles the poor.
Now I am sore and scabbed to the core
Roared and smashed through the floor
On my way to the truth that mirrors the now
On my way to the lie that exists in the now
Oh ye of little...
Curse the blessing as it weighs me here
Forever in roots as thick as my sharecropping greats
Under the guise of no escape hides the shame of conforming
Assimilation so subtle that it almost feel like fitting in.
Intelligence...
No matter the bottom feeder for he fears the confusion
That comes with every vision in sleep
Under lunar glow falls the rising water to fall again to rise again to be nourishment.
But he refuses to bathe in plastic purity
Suffer suffer suffer
A funny thing happened on my way to work
I thought of a friend whom I longed to see
As tears welled in my eyes
I refused to realize that she was a remnant from a life unlived
I gave in to the tears because I rationalized the rouse.
That this friend decided to never return
A funny thing happened to me on my way home
I thought of ending it and starting over .
Really. I thought of dying to be reborn.
But what if.......?
I just ceased to exist.
The world would cheer.
"The defenses that form a person's character support a grand illusion.... He is driven away from himself, from self-knowledge, self-reflection. He is driven toward things that support the lie of his character, his automatic equanimity." [Ernest Becker, The Denial of Death 56 (New York: Free Press, 1955)]
Now that’s a quote for your ass.
In a nutshell.
Fat kid. Fat young adult. Lost weight at 19. Felt like I lost a part of who I was. But losing weight was the only thing stopping me from happiness, right? Not exactly. I had already built the tired of everything, fuck the world super duper attitude by the end of high school. So when I lost weight ,I became even more bitter because people treated me differently. I mean people don’t really know the pain a fat person goes through. I was perfectly happy with my size.(Except for the sweating and always being hot.) What I wasn’t happy about was the way I was treated because of it. And then to reinforce this position, after the weight loss, I was told that I was handsome, cute and all kinds of other shit because I was physically different. But guess what? I am and was still the same person. So fuck you. I mean really. What is the difference? And then to really fuck it all up, I was asked if I was sick, addicted to drugs, AIDS, cancer, starving… just a bunch of bullshit. Too fucking fat when I was fat, too fuckin skinny so now I must be dying. Some people are just idiots. IDIOTS I say. But that was a long time ago.
Now, here I am in all of my nonconformist, iconoclastic glory. Sometimes I wonder if there is really a reason for all of the bullshit that I’ve encountered and if there is, is this the outcome expected. I know that my life is not over, so I guess I’ll know for sure a couple of minutes before my expiration. When I look back on this life will I really feel that the trials and stupidities suffered were for a reason or is life truly one big ass random, chaotic series of events. Who in the fuck cares. I just want to be happy. Guilt free. Forgiving and forgiven. I mean literally out of my mind and feeling. Really feeling.
Well enough with this shit. I know this is kinda hard to follow because this is one belch of an entry. But if you kinda feel me then my job here is done.
Thank you for reading.
Chaos
Gutter banked leaves
Guided from abyss
No monuments
No history
Just fallen
Leave drenched
Tears of locusts’ vomit
Spilling the harlot’s blood
Furious filth coagulating
Leaps forth being of no merit
Attacks with dung
But father will stay safe
Awake the pupil
There is a test
Flesh no pleasure
Die no longer
Suffer evil not personified
True and frightened
Warriors consolidate
Slowly in fury
Quickly for love
Life or none
Son cries glory
All fall in autumn
Come solid circle
Inflict his bane
Kiss brown feet
Beg found true
Cry for you
Love for you
Die in you
Zealous and fevered
Winter worn skin
Vested in armor
Warmed by halo
Marching through fire
Chaos…
Happy Birthday to me!!!
Yes it's my birthday... and guess what? Who in the hell cares. I am now 30 yrs old. Whoopity doo. I have officially survived 3 decades. Raise the fucking roof.
I won't go into detail about the joy of turning 30. Let's just say that despite my current situation, I am happy to be breathing. My life has been relatively easy in comparison to people with real problems. So, I guess I have no real complaints to spew. I have never been a HAPPY person really but I am goofy so maybe that's why I have survived the little things that made me want to swan dive into concrete. Oh yeah, and a little indifference goes a long way. Trust me. It works wonders.
I thought that I would die last night. California storm. Los Angeles freeway. 11:00 pm. Low visibilty. Hydroplaning. Scary shit. I prayed the whole 15 miles. Guess it worked. Thank you God.
Woke up this morning to two calls wishing me a Happy Birthday. One from my cousin. One from a family friend who has called me on my birthday for the last 20 something years. How sweet is that? See, contrary to popular belief (Ladessa) , I do have feelings. Ladessa sent me a goofy happy birthday picture of herself. (Wish it was nude). HA... Thank you, you sexxxay thang you.
Anywho, I am off to LA-LA Land. I suddenly feel the need to nap. See, turning 30 isn't all bad. See ya when I see ya.
Lonnell
Ok. You asked for it. Here it is.
If you guys didn't know, I've been working at Kmart. Not just any old Kmart. A Kmart in East Los Angeles. Now for those not familiar with East L.A., let me explain a couple of things. East L.A. is historically a Latino community. Espanol is the first language. But guess what. Me no speak espanol. So with that being said, you could only imagine the problems that I face daily.
One of the major problems is the language barrier. After I explain to them in my best accent that I speak no espanol, I am often times accosted with, "Why not?" Now for those of you who don't know, I am Black (African American, Negro, Colored) and I failed Spanish class twice. So imagine my outrage when asked why I don't speak Spanish. I have to bite my tongue, shrug my shoulders and find a translator. What I really want to come back with is, "This is America and the official language is English you smelly, fat, old lady." But that would be oh so wrong. Probably cost me the job too.
Some days I work in the electronics department where I am assaulted by the dumbest questions in the world. Questions like: "Why does this one cost more than that one?" "How long will the batteries last in this one?" "Which one of these identical products is better?" Give me a fucking break! I am not the Sony Panasonic GE Sanyo Zenith Energizer Duracell RCA representative. Read the fucking packaging moron. That's all that I can do for you. Customer service my ass. There is only so much that a lunatic can take. I mean one day, some crazy chick comes up to me with some educational shit for kids. She brings this big ass box and an accessory clearly branded with the same name. She then asks if the little book goes with the damn thing. So me being the asshole that I am tells her,"Ummm. I don't know." She then asks if my co-worker would know. I'm like, "Ummm. I doubt it. He doesn't have kids either." She then tells us that we're useless. So I just smiled and said, " Thank you for shopping at Kmart." How's that for customer service.
My car is a piece of crap. Yesterday I went on a mission to get a tune-up and oil change. I also needed a serpentine belt tensioner that I broke about 3 years ago. So I'm at this place getting all tuned up and lubed when I decided to ask if they could replace my thingamabob. I was quoted 80 bucks. So I was like OK. Do it. Then the guy orders the part. It gets there and he's like, "Oh. This is not what I expected. The part is $109 and the labor will be $100." I'm like 100 knots on your fucking head. Fuck that. Just tune and lube me and I'll get the part myself and play mechanic. So I go down to a Kragen auto center Price the part at $81.49. Told the guy helping me that the place across the street was trying to rob me. He agreed. We looked at the installation instructions. Not too hard he says. I'm thinking to myself if only he knew how much scraped off skin was under the hood of my car. I am a klutz. So then I tell him to give me a second. I go into the parking lot, pop the hood and look at the task before me. I decide that since I have 2 days off, I could probably figure it out. And if it gets too bad I'll find a shade tree mechanic to give me a hand. So I go back in and talk to the guy. We talked about the Point of No Return and the estimated time it would take a novice to perform this feat (3 hours). And how easy it would be just to put everything back if I couldn't handle it. Yeah. Really easy.
Long story short. I buy the part, drive home, grab my Grandpa's toolbox and get to work. I finished the job in 2.5 hours. Scraped of a little skin as I was trying to put the belt back on. Felt really proud of my accomplishment and smiled inwardly for a couple of hours. I am the shit.
Oh yeah. Shionedy. Funny story. Thanks for sharing. Revenge is in order. But not right now.
Ladessa... Yo booty baby. Yeah I'm quiet and a jerk but you goota love me. Ha. Communicate these.
Meka... I know it's been awhile but my wrists hurt from wiping so much. I blame my accelerated metabolism.
Everyone else... My bad. I shook all of the powder out of my Etch-A-Sketch. Sorry it took so long. Remember to tell me how much this sucks.
Adios
Lonnell aka Lonlot aka jonindacenter aka Stopdropandroll.
Ummm. Well... See... It's like this. Sometimes I just don't wanna share. I don't or can't tell everyone things that should only matter to me. Instead of talking about problems, I usually wait until some Twilight Zone-ish, freakish epiphany comes along and solves everything. Fucking ridiculous. I know.
But hey. Say what you will. I am at a point in my life where things just are not black and white. They ain't gray either. They have fucking colors. All colors representing sentiment. All sentiments representing direction. Heading where? I don't have a clue. But hopefully, I'll end up somewhere between insane and dumb. Because right now my mind is churning so roughly, I'm almost sure that the outcome will exist between those two options. There I am crazy as hell. Blowing spit bubbles and twisting my mustache. Now there's a sight. A scary vision of the future or is it the present. Hmmm.
Anybody wanna help me? Spike my red Kool-Aid with some good ol' skull and bones. Poison of your choice. Just don't drag it out too long. I'd hate to be saved before I take my final nap. Any volunteers?
No really, I'm just joking around. There is really not too much going on. Nothing of any value anyway. I have been wanting to post something but as to what, I had no idea. So here it is. Me being the nut that I am. Sorry to disappoint. Bye for now.
Lonnell
I was half sleep and my TV was tuned in to the Jerry Springer Show. I heard the funniest shit. It woke me up laughing. There were the usual assortment of characters there. You know, trailer love triangle. One of the guest had a wicked grill. You know missing teeth. So, a lady in the audience says," You must make Beethoven proud... Cause I could play a g-flat on your grill!!" I woke all the way up after that one. That was some funny shit.
Anyway, I gotta take a dump. I will be back one day with something interesting. If anything worth mentioning happens. I would leave you with a poem but I know you don't want to read that crap. Oh well, I'll do it anyway.
This is something that I wrote when my poetry was about healing, circa 1997. I hope you enjoy. And yes, the ugly lovely life is an ongoing theme with me throughout my poetry. Anyway here it is:
The Heartless
Into the claws of lawless pestilence.
Resistance futile once you
enter this abyss of false bliss.
Material minerals that shine
until they blind the affected.
Infected by things that the
naked optic can’t realize.
Lies that cause souls to cringe
at the idea of a god fearing ego.
Here comes the fall of man.
Expanding loveless philosophies
and indulgent rituals.
Habitual attempts to lead
the masses into the light of
eternal darkness where sunken souls
tremble and angelic faces
writhe in agonizing song.
Long ago avoided the maze in a phase
of incredulous whispers
and weighted compulsions.
Hating to love and loving to hate.
Never to see the reasons why followers never
lead the reality that knowingly exists...
Twisted the fabric and
wrinkled the style.
Went wild with rebellion
and iconoclastic wiles.
Jumped from the wagon
and deserted the terrors
that were sure to come.
Heavy frame blossomed
into a headless stem of grim
remembrances that took hold
once released from the mold
of what ailed my hollowed
perception of why I am.
Corpulent boy with a sensitivity
that let me see things through elders’ eyes.
Being in control of nothing
but the tears never shed
and the anger never released.
Creasing the very mold
that shaped me..
Bending me in like steel rods
with Herculean effort.
Stressing me to break into
an uneven duo of antagonistic
twins who will never blend.
Forced to repel and split
the gentle skin of unknown dimensions.
Tension boiling.
Soiling the demeanor of
a sad eyed baby who loved
once but found heartless
breaks in the continuum of
prosperity that was his destiny.
Sunken chest when he
realized that the whole sordid
definition of life was nothing
he wanted to live.
Give it to the heartless.
He who loves strong for
long will only be reborn
into greater hate.
Sedated by anger and
gladiatorial dances he
chanced to escape
by way of love.
Abstract at first he
cursed the mechanism.
Decision heartfelt so was
subjected to a prism that
shined only through closed eyes...
Meandering thoughts
and enlightened cyclones
that shiver the bones
and heals what stills progress;
the lovelessness the ugliness
that made this Life my stress...
Here is a poem that I wrote about my mentor, Yeshua. I really like it. I hope you do too.
The Scope of...
Left to fend for self.
He deepened
His dependency towards self.
Left His mind.
He escaped his confines
and held His heart unto the world.
This beats for you.
He said.
Right into space.
He crossed a barrier that ignorance
shelters.
Right into his soul
He became himself.
Remembered who He is.
Forever.
Down here with them.
He became the fear
of the righteous.
Into their eyes
He saw their lie
and their delusions.
See.
Up to their necks
in disbelief.
They mocked Him
as they truly mocked self.
Taunting, accusing, jurisprudent
Humans are what they were.
What we are.
Closing in.
The verbalization and
interpretation of the
Word as what
we understand.
Not as Word says.
The denial of everything that
is holy. Everything that is us.
Away.
They turned us
into what they say.
What they feel.
What they could
call truth.
What about the truth
We create
everytime we
feel that feeling
that He felt for us.
Love.
Loving life just because
we are life.
Loving each other just
because we are each other.
Loving Him just because
he is Him.
Just because He is us.
Hey people. How's it been going? Good I hope. Guess what happened to me today. Absolutely nothing. At least not anything worth mentioning. So I have decided to give you the details of my day. Here goes nothing:
Went to sleep this morning around 6 am. Talking to some sexy lady all night. Conversation became pretty twisted by 4 am but hey, that's what sexy ladies do to me. We both realized that what we thought was a conversation was no longer a conversation. Just a bunch of verbal diarrhea to keep us awake and talking. The things we do when we're really diggin' someone, ya' know. I vaguely remember something like, "You hang up." "Nooo, you hang up." "Nooo, you first." Like 20 minutes of this. Now ain't that some sweet shit.
Woke up around 1:30 pm. Went to kitchen and poured myself some stale ass coffee. Yummm. Fuckin' yum. Now I know this might be a little too much for you guys but fuck it. I'll tell you anyway. We're all family right. Coffee plus me equals monster shit. I am pretty regular that way. Bathroom reading was pretty enjoyable even though I think I reread the chapter. Thought I was psychic or the book pretty predictable but no, it was my half-sleep dumb ass. Finally managed to stand up from the shitter after my legs went all numb and I was kinda nauseous from the stale ass coffee and this California heat. So I wobbled my ass into the kitchen and poured that muck into the sink, microwaved two hotdogs, placed them on some soft, cheap wheat bread with plenty of mustard and inhaled them with some Flamin' Hot Lays and a big ass cup of cold water. Yummm. Smoked a stale ass Newport and wondered why in the hell I smoke these nasty fuckers. Wondered how my lungs were doing. Put the cigarette out, turned on this raggedy ass computer, logged into overpriced AOL, read some poetry, read some journals, chatted a second with the sexy lady who left me hanging like forever, then I took a nap. This heat was really killing me. Sweated like two fat people hot-boxing in a Beetle with a turkish water pipe. Woke up. Looked around like "what the fuck." Wondered if someone had pissed on me or something. Then realized that I was sweating like a hog because I'm a fat fucker. Thought about taking a shower but was like "fuck it!", it ain't Saturday yet. The rest is pretty much a blur which is really strange because I remember watching CSI on SpikeTV but I DON'T REMEMBER SHIT ELSE. Fucking frightening, huh?
So, now I'm here typing this shit out wondering why I'm typing this shit out. This is really one big ass over-sharing entry but oh well. That's what happens when you allow someone with too much time on their hands to have freedom of speech and a journal for the world to see. So here you are world. Hope you enjoyed.
On a serious note... If you've read Emani's journal then you know what happened to her and Ladessa's cousins. So all that I ask of you is to pray for their well being and also for their state of mind. Pray that they slow down. Hopefully, everything will be OK.
That is all.
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