"The defenses that form a person's character support a grand illusion.... He is driven away from himself, from self-knowledge, self-reflection. He is driven toward things that support the lie of his character, his automatic equanimity." [Ernest Becker, The Denial of Death 56 (New York: Free Press, 1955)]
Now that’s a quote for your ass.
In a nutshell.
Fat kid. Fat young adult. Lost weight at 19. Felt like I lost a part of who I was. But losing weight was the only thing stopping me from happiness, right? Not exactly. I had already built the tired of everything, fuck the world super duper attitude by the end of high school. So when I lost weight ,I became even more bitter because people treated me differently. I mean people don’t really know the pain a fat person goes through. I was perfectly happy with my size.(Except for the sweating and always being hot.) What I wasn’t happy about was the way I was treated because of it. And then to reinforce this position, after the weight loss, I was told that I was handsome, cute and all kinds of other shit because I was physically different. But guess what? I am and was still the same person. So fuck you. I mean really. What is the difference? And then to really fuck it all up, I was asked if I was sick, addicted to drugs, AIDS, cancer, starving… just a bunch of bullshit. Too fucking fat when I was fat, too fuckin skinny so now I must be dying. Some people are just idiots. IDIOTS I say. But that was a long time ago.
Now, here I am in all of my nonconformist, iconoclastic glory. Sometimes I wonder if there is really a reason for all of the bullshit that I’ve encountered and if there is, is this the outcome expected. I know that my life is not over, so I guess I’ll know for sure a couple of minutes before my expiration. When I look back on this life will I really feel that the trials and stupidities suffered were for a reason or is life truly one big ass random, chaotic series of events. Who in the fuck cares. I just want to be happy. Guilt free. Forgiving and forgiven. I mean literally out of my mind and feeling. Really feeling.
Well enough with this shit. I know this is kinda hard to follow because this is one belch of an entry. But if you kinda feel me then my job here is done.
Thank you for reading.
I feel you, I think all of it happens for a reason and you are exactly where you are supposed to be and you are who you are. I like you, you aiight! 
Oh by the way, that quote is deep...I love it...and ...regardless of my ramble of junk...I really really feel you...you're beautiful though...you are one of the kindest people I know even when you're an a$$hole, Physically you are kinda sexy , no matter what fat or deformations we put in our bag along this crazy journey, it's our character and spirit that prevails, and honestly...people who once thought they were the ish will wish they had half the personality and wit you have...but you already know that! 
It is not possble for Jon Jon Smith to be sexy. He is an asexual creature. I still call you fat names to let you know that I care. Even when you got thin, I told you that you had a fat soul. Any man with the menu(s) that you have for your fast food combo's is a "lethargic moose pig"-Big Ben Square, circa 1991. We have some ill quotes. "...taste taster"-Shion, circa 1990. That was some of my best work. Elaborate to all that inquire:P 
You know, sometimes I get that same sense of frustration, have that feeling of what the fork...I'll pass along a little secret I learned in my almost 50 years of life...sometimes, when life has you down, there is nothing more freeing, nothing that brings on a smile better than a BIG OLD RIPPING FART...seriously, give it a try, you cannot help but smile when a big old Trombone fart announces your presense in a room.
too much info here...lol
Oh boy...I feel like I walked in on family dinner! LOL
See... this is why I can't stay away too long! I really love your view of things, man! All I can say is DO YOU! As long as you are HEALTHY, that is what's important. And phuck the IDIOTS... they will always be what they are, just like you will always be you... PEACE!
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